wow.

"I only love God as much as I love the person I love the least." - Dorothy Day


Think about that one for a while.

ouch.

Spring weather, books, and learning grace.

May is halfway over here in southern China, and the summer warmth is slowly descending. The weather ranges from cloudy and dreary, to bursting sunshine and distant polluted clouds. The sky tries so hard to be blue and on some days, nearly succeeds, amidst the gray haze of pollution.

I do so miss sunshine and blue skies. I have concluded that I need it to survive - and not just for biological reasons (e.i. Vitamin D). It lifts my spirit, my being, my whole soul. A photograph of San Diego's Black's Beach cliffs covers my computer desktop at school, bringing memories of the beauty of home, a beauty I have come to appreciate being away.

I have been reading and have successfully finished several books:
"Boundaries"
"Soul Cravings"
"The Giver"
and I'm currently half-way through Yancey's "What's So Amazing About Grace?"

I feel so accomplished when turning the final page in a book, closing the back cover, and setting it back on the shelf. I feel accomplished doing some silly things like:
- making and crossing off lists (post-college life has made me a list-maker...)
- finishing glass jars of food. like almond butter. I find some sort of serious commitment when opening a glass jar of goodness and I don't like to see it go to waste.
- successfully completing a pilates workout, or yoga. ouch!

I have 6 weeks left of the school term and, while emotionally/mentally I am winding down, I'm trying to give my best and all these last few classes with my students. I was recently give the ENTIRE responsibility of teaching our summer school program, which began as an unreasonably huge request by my superiors. But with patience, prayer, and several conversations, there has been compromise and it will be doable. At the very least, it will be yet another learning experience for me - I'll be teaching the older grades, which I have never taught before, nor know the extent of their English knowledge,comprehension, or usage. Learn to swim by jumping in, right?

With each passing day I am hopeful for the future.

I am learning so much about grace.
about forgiveness.
about love.
about trust.

"There will be no escape from wars, from hunger, from misery, from racial discrimination, from denial of human rights, and not even from missiles, if our hearts are not changed." - Lance Morrow

Hoping for a changed heart as I leave China, to better show His grace and love to this broken world.

Happy Reasons.

Some simple happy reasons having Evan here is making my life so much richer:

1. I have someone to cook, eat, and clean up dinner with.

2. On his days off (which are usually mid-week days) he can go to the market for me so I don't have to go after a long day of work. woo!

3. He helps me clean my apartment. Note** I clean it weekly, but my roommate doesn't, so cleaning the whole place by myself takes hours and effort (and with only 1 day off a week, I'd rather not spend the whole day cleaning). With 2 people it's much faster! yes!

4. I have someone to ride the bus, taxis, rickshaws, motorbikes, and walk the streets with - not only is that much safer, but much more fun!

5. He can bargain cheaper public transportation prices than I can.

6. I have a co-teacher for the volunteer adult English class I teach at the Bible college once a week. It's so fun to teach together! The students laugh at us every week. :)

7. Hanging out with my male friends is less awkward, and it also opens doors to hang out with more couples, and people in general.

8. I have someone to bake cookies for - who will actually help me eat them. And cook pancakes, french toast, and Mexican food, who actually likes BEANS (sent with love from my parents).

9. I have support, encouragement, affirmation and am being challenged daily to live like Him by someone, in the flesh.

10. I have a friend daily, who I can talk to, laugh with, learn with, grow with, and strive to love this sometimes frustrating and difficult world with.


I am becoming more and more fond of the word "with." I guess that's why God says, "Do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and keep you, I will uphold you with my righteous right arm." And why Jesus says, "Never will I leave you."

Life together - it is truly a gift!

5 months left. still naive.

The decision has finally been made, the formal letter given, a simple grunt of "okay" received.
I will leave Shantou this coming September bound for the beauty of central Europe for a small soul retreat before heading back to the US, back home, back to family.

Home is relative these days.
"Home is where you and I belong."
"Home is where I belong with you."
Home is with the people my heart so deeply loves.

I am at peace with my decision. Though it will be difficult to leave the little faces I have so deeply poured my everything into, the often frustrating culture that I have so tried to understand and learn from, the new experiences, the places, the faces, the laughter and tears, the new life I have somehow constructed and lived on my own, my time is coming to a close. I can say goodbye in peace. I feel I'm being called to a season of "normalcy;" a time with family, working, paying bills, being an "adult," sorting through all my heart, mind, and soul have seen and experienced, being. "Normal" now will become my new adventure. yikes....

Chris Rice sings so many of my heart's questions these days well:

How long until You defend Your name and set the record right
And how far will You allow the human race to run and hide
And how much can You tolerate our weaknesses
Before You step into our sky blue and say "That's quite enough!"

Am I naive to want a remedy for every bitter heart?
Can I believe You hold an exclamation point for every question mark?
And can I leave the timing of this universe in bigger hands?
And may I be so bold to ask You to please hurry?

I hear that a God who's good would never let the evil run so long
But I say it's because You're good You're giving us more time, yeah
Cause I believe that You love to show us mercy
But when will You step into our sky blue
And say "That's quite enough, and your time is up!"

Am I naive to want a remedy for every bitter heart
Can I believe You hold an exclamation point for every question mark
And can I leave the timing of this universe in bigger hands
And may I be so bold to ask You to please hurry?

Am I naive...
Can I believe...
And can I leave...in bigger hands
And may I be so bold to ask You, to ask You, to ask You

How long?

News from AGES ago...

Hello world (outside of China)!

Yes, I am still alive and yes, still very much in the PRC.

Due to horrible internet connectivity and a lessening amount of patience, along with Chinese New Year holiday and a fabulous vacation home to the beautiful southern California, I have been M.I.A in the blog world.

SO....what's new?

1. I am currently loving and thankful for btunnel.com - though I can't post pictures or leave comments/interact, I CAN check Facebook, my blog, and other such censored and blocked sites here. woo!

2. My vacation home was absolutely fabulous. It included sleeping, eating Mexican food, visiting family and friends, digging a HUGE hole in our backyard to help my mom plant fruit trees, enjoying the beach, sunshine, blue skies, warm weather, a soft bed, real water pressure, a roadtrip to Modesto with my mom to visit Evan's family, a visit to Old Sacramento, a weekend in Big Bear playing in the snow, and overall just loving being home.

3. I am not alone anymore! Yes, it's true. My boyfriend Evan came back to Shantou with me to teach at another school in the city. He currently has a 6 mo. contract helping adults better their English skills and helping high school students prepare for exams allowing them to study abroad in English speaking countries. The work is easy, the pay decent, and I am MORE than happy to finally have a friend and companion in this often lonely city. Praise God! My dinners are no longer eaten alone in front of my computer screen and my weekends now have a buddy to roam the streets with. yay!


China is still big, busy, and full of people.

I have 6 months left in my contract and am currently praying about extending it or moving onto my next adventure.

I am back at school and busy as ever, doing my best do learn this teaching thing.

HE is still good.


"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." - Proverbs 30:12

Seeking my dreams, still finding my heart, and knowing it all leads to Him in the end.

Christmas 2009 (a little late)

Well, Christmas and now New Years has come and gone here in southern China. I have been trying to post for weeks but due to the "Great Firewall of China," my interent would not allow. Anywho...this year's holiday proved to be new, different, special, and memorable (such a change from last year. ugh). Praise God!

My Christmas 2009:

This holiday season I have been more aware, I think, than ever before, just want this holiday is truly about. As I struggle to share my life and therein my faith with those around me, my lack of words, my lack of close relationship, and the barriers and blocks of an ancient culture deeply rooted in tradition, have left my heart sobered and thoughtful as I gaze at the faces I pass daily. They don't know my Jesus, they don't know his grace, his hope, his joy, his freedom, nor the life that he brings. So I desperately tried to share that joy in the small ways.

Christmas week at school I scrapped "real" learning and we did crafts and learned holiday words. The kids were gearing up for their big dance performance anyway, and didn't need a load of new English words on top of their little pressured heads. So why not have fun?

we made hand-print Christmas trees:

I let each teacher make the star - to be a part of our tree :)

we made paper stockings that they sewed together with string.

I then filled them ALL with candy the night before Christmas for them to find the next day at school. It was a total hit ---> :)

we also made snowmen which ended up all sorts of fabulous colors:

And then Christmas Day afternoon the kids put on their dance and song performance. Pictures to come...too many to sort through right now.

My holiday weekend (in which I was given 3 days off this year! woo!) finished with the self- assigned challenge of cooking an "American Christmas" dinner for several dear friends I have made here. After 2 1/2 hours of cooking, 6 potatoes, 4 breasts of chicken, 2 lbs. of green beans, lots of yummy caramalized onions, 2 sweet potatoes, 1 loaf of French bread, and a box of Stove Top stuffing somehow balanced between 2 stove burners and limited cookware, equaled a pretty tasty dinner all eaten in paper bowls with chopsticks - Chinese style.

I don't have enough dishes to entertain and it's silly to buy them, so paper it was.
And no one here likes forks anyway.

My roommate Sammy even joined for a little while (that's amazing, trust me!).
R to L: Joy, Sammy, Johny (Evan's future boss and friend), Terry, and Anita.
These people have been an answer to many prayers.


beautiful people. beautiful experiences. a beautiful life.
I am truly blessed.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Joyeux Noel and Christmas Bells

I watched this movie last night, Joyeux Noel, and wept.


I wept because it honors the story of the historical cease fire that occurred on Christmas Eve during WWI between the Scottish, French, and Germans.

I wept because it displays how ugly people can be, fearful, prideful, arrogant, ignorant, capable of so much harm.

But I also wept because it so beautifully displays people and their desire and capacity for good, for love, peace, friendship, desire for home, the desire to do right, even in the bleakest of times and toughest of circumstances.


I wept because it showes life, our broken world, the horrors that have happened, the lives that have been lost, history that has been shaped for good and bad, and the never ending cry of a world needing a Savior.

I wept because it was beautiful, the message was so absolutely beautiful. And something I so needed to be reminded of this Christmas.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow writes in his poem (also about war times) "Christmas Bells:"

I HEARD the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along
The unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Till ringing, singing on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime,
A chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Then from each black, accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
And with the sound
The carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

It was as if an earthquake rent
The hearth-stones of a continent,
And made forlorn
The households born
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And in despair I bowed my head;
"There is no peace on earth," I said;
"For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men."

This poem chokes me up.

Living overseas has opened my eyes and heart to this world in more ways than I ever could have imaged. I resonate with Longfellow's cry about a world filled with hate, mocking, and war. I have experienced (albeit on a much smaller scale) just how real that is. I have been broken. I have cried. I have been left standing in awe, absolutely confused about all that is behind, beside and before me.

But I have also heard the bells peal victoriously that "God is not dead, nor doth He sleep; the wrong shall fail, the right prevail, with peace on earth, good-will to men!"

I cling to those words daily. The bride of Christ is broken and ugly, be she is still the bride, and she is ever growing, ever changing, ever bettering, daily. I am a part of that body of Christ. And I have been called to love a world that does not know the hope of eternal peace, that hates, mocks, and fights. But He is coming back! He is alive! And this Christmas I am clinging to this truth and promise more than ever before.

Joyeux Noel, Merry Christmas, from my heart to yours!