Sunday, September 13, 2009

Talking myself through life.

Somedays I truly love life, most of them actually.

But some days are a bit harder.

I am an optimist and have always tried to see the best in everything. But after living in China this past year, I have become more of a realist - I am still very much a dreamer, passionate, and positive - but I have now lived in a city whose language I barely speak, who's people move through each day like clockwork working, always working, driven by making money or just plain survival, where I have had little to no community, few true friends who want to spend time with me (not JUST so they can learn English), and with a roommate who doesn't want to share her life with me. It has left me a bit of a pessimist at times.

I am thankful for my job. Most days I love it. I love the kids, no questions, but teaching them is intimidating. I love walking the streets when I feel safe (which is rare) like early mornings when less people are out to stare, gawk, and yell as they pass me by. I love that I have been fortunate to see a whole different world than the one I grew up in, who's language is completely different from mine, who's history and culture is far different from mine, places and face I would never have seen otherwise. I am thankful for the crazy food, the short bits of travel, and the new adventures.

But somedays, I just want to go home: home being my parents, my friends, people who share my values, morals, and ideas, who know me, who love me, who truly want me in their lives - no strings attached.

I often "talk myself through life" it feels. When, for no reason, I wake up feeling out of place and particularly far away, I read my Bible, try to quote Scripture, listen to worship music, journal my thoughts, and try to center myself in Him. It's often the only thing that gets me through those days.

I have such a long way to go in this life to become like Christ, to be a good daughter, friend, girlfriend, colleague, employee, human being. I lack patience, courage, confidence, humility, the ability to listen and not react, to rest and wait in and on my Lord. I have so far to go.

But I am trying. Each day that I talk myself through, I am trying.

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You

To know and follow hard after you
To grow as your disciple in your truth
This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing you, my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you

2 comments:

Jodi said...

Hi Waterbugg! Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly. I appreciate that about you! Reading your post just reminded me of how we are such pilgrims on this earth. Even here "back home" there are those times when I feel so peculiar because of who I am in Christ. It's a blessing and a comfort to know other brothers and sisters who have the same "passion" even if they are across the world! May the Lord continue to show Himself strong on your behalf and may you sense His presence with you each day! Love ya!~Daffodil

sarah b. said...

Thank you for taking us to this place for a moment. Not just the streets and rooms of China, but to this "Place" of where you are.

Home. Home is easier right now because it's far away from The Place. But you're far stronger than you realize; God's just keeping you humble. That's what my mentor teacher told me after a review that I thought surely would have earned a lot of criticisms. I hope it's timely for you.

There's a lot of love for you from our household!