New Goal...

I have a new goal for myself.

It's a bit selfish but also artistically challenging.

When I first came to China I blogged quite a bit. But after a hard drive failure, China's relentless internet blocking, and slow VPN service, I just gave up - unless there were big thoughts.

BUT I want to change that...

I am committing to try to post at least 3 times a week, both thoughts and photos (Lord knows I have 1000s of images!), whether deep and thoughtful or random and silly, to share my life with those few to stop by. By doing this, people may follow my blog (woo!) and I may challenge myself to edit and post photos consistently. I do on my other site ---> www.jennifergerberding.aminus3.com

AND images are always more fun, right?

So...I begin with some randomness...

My current CD wishlist (that I'm stealing sneak peeks of via itunes, myspace, and youtube):

Hillsong United's new "Tear Down the Walls"

David Crowder Band's new "Church Music"

Vertical Horizon's new "Burning the Days"

Any other musical suggestions?

Not that I have any money to buy new cds...ha.

Birthdays, Blessings, and A Bounty of Love

ha. Do you like my alliteration?

Yesterday was my 24th birthday, my 2nd birthday celebrated in China, and will be probably be one of the most memorable in my life. I awoke early to a bright sunshine and walked my usual jaunt through dirty streets to school. I arrived and was greeted with a few shy "Happy Birthday"s. When I entered my 2rd grade class however, I was quickly shooed out. As faces giggled with anticipation and finally motioned me to enter, I was greeted with a big chalk banner that read an enthusiastic "HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNIFER KAYE GERBERDING!" ha. I had used my name in a lesson once about vowels vs. consonants and had written out my entire name on the board for the kids to see (how many vowels? how many consonants?). The teacher had taken note and remembered. After proudly declaring "Happy Birthday" they ran at me and literally hurled letters, cards, and precious pieces of paper gifts in my face.

My 3rd grace class was much of the same: a written message of well wishes from the teacher, TONS of cards and gifts, and proud smiles. They also sang at the top of their voices the o-so-familiar tune (slightly altered due to lack of English knowledge) and beamed with pride. Oh, and my first graders told me "Happy Birthday" too - just in Chinese. They don't know it in English.

Lunch time concluded with one of my 3rd grade students, a smart yet needy little boy, delivering a cake to my office desk. Apparently his father owns a cake shop. A whole Chinese cake. wow.

I also decided to be adventurous and try cook/sort of bake a boxed Funfetti cake in my rice-cooker...

yes, my rice-cooker.

And it worked. sort of. well, basically.

See?

The day ended with dinner out with my dear friends Anita and Terry and joining their father and family for his birthday celebration - it turns out we're birthday buddies!

Cards. Drawings. Paper foldings. Songs. Gifts. Hugs. From both students AND teachers (the teachers were definitely involved). 2 cakes. Time with dear friends who let me be a part of their family for the evening. A beautiful and blessed birthday with more love than I truly expected. I am humbly surprised. It was a love I have not experienced from this Chinese world that I have been a part of for the past year.

And thanks for all your Facebook messages, friends. I definitely felt your love from around the world.

Ah, birthdays.
Growing older.
Growing up.
Hopefully, growing wiser and more like Jesus.
I am truly filled with joy.


Anyone want some cake?

Beautiful Cultural Exhaustion

I have just returned from 5 days of vacation (or "holiday" as they say here) staying with a friend in Hong Kong and then visiting her small hometown/village of Dongguan for Mid-Autumn Festival.

I am absolutely culturally e x h a u s t e d !

This past month of September was busy: first month of school, getting back into routine and schedule, planning lessons, new students, new Chinese classes, connecting with friends outside of school, and trying to balance my heart and head. It finished with 8 days vacation and the chance to see and experience some Chinese culture as never before.

After boarding a train (I find train travel rather romantic by the way...) we traveled a quick 45 minutes to the small town of Dongguan, China. We grabbed a taxi and made our way to her home in the city: a four-story cement and tile home with a gate, patio area, and room for PLENTY of family. I spent the 2 day period with about 25 family members, visiting 100 year-old ancestral temples, viewing small clustered family homes in now abandoned villages, walking through farm land, eating raw sugar cane, touching the leaves of growing vegetables, chasing chickens, seeing Sally's home in another village, walking ancient streets, seeing rural Chinese life, hiking hills in the setting sun, watching ancestral worship practices, experiencing a fire dragon dance in the town square, taking photos, seeing faces and places I have never dreamed of.

Before all this chaos of the senses, I was able to be quiet and read a bit and was greeted with a verse that I so want to exemplify my heart, my soul and my life, now and always:

Two things I ask of you, O Lord; do not refuse me before I die:
Keep falsehood and lies far from me;
give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread.
Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, "Who is the LORD?"
Or I may become poor and steal and so dishonor the name of my God.

- Proverbs 30:7-9

I have experience so much, both around the world and in China, that has challenged me deeply on what it means to truly have enough, on how to live, fully. I have slept on floors, under stars, on planks, in makeshift beds, in churches, in tents, in hotels, in homes. I have eaten with my hands, with chopsticks, sat on stools, in the dirt, in buses, on chairs, and eaten foods I would never have tasted otherwise. I have showered with buckets, in fancy showers, with hot water, icy water, in old pink tubs. I have rubbed shoulders with people who have more than plenty, and I have sat with people with almost nothing. I have found joy both places - but it's usually with the less.

What do I truly need in this life?

I only want enough. That is what HE promises to those who are HIS children. But what is enough? I am learning more and more that it is: the love of family, of friends, clothes, no matter what color or brand, sturdy shoes, a full tummy (of rice, vegetables, or even chicken feet), a roof over my head. I want to constantly be dependent on HIM and not myself, so that I may see that HE is the sustainer of my life, not me. It is not my working, striving, or saving. While good, it's all a matter or perspective and motivation. I want to truly believe that in riches or poor, HE is faithful, present, and providing. Always. Giving enough.

Dongguan, China: A beautiful yet broken city, one bound in tradition and superstition, one of age and simplicity, one full of family, who despite differences, are still family.


I am grateful to have walked in their shoes for a day.

Talking myself through life.

Somedays I truly love life, most of them actually.

But some days are a bit harder.

I am an optimist and have always tried to see the best in everything. But after living in China this past year, I have become more of a realist - I am still very much a dreamer, passionate, and positive - but I have now lived in a city whose language I barely speak, who's people move through each day like clockwork working, always working, driven by making money or just plain survival, where I have had little to no community, few true friends who want to spend time with me (not JUST so they can learn English), and with a roommate who doesn't want to share her life with me. It has left me a bit of a pessimist at times.

I am thankful for my job. Most days I love it. I love the kids, no questions, but teaching them is intimidating. I love walking the streets when I feel safe (which is rare) like early mornings when less people are out to stare, gawk, and yell as they pass me by. I love that I have been fortunate to see a whole different world than the one I grew up in, who's language is completely different from mine, who's history and culture is far different from mine, places and face I would never have seen otherwise. I am thankful for the crazy food, the short bits of travel, and the new adventures.

But somedays, I just want to go home: home being my parents, my friends, people who share my values, morals, and ideas, who know me, who love me, who truly want me in their lives - no strings attached.

I often "talk myself through life" it feels. When, for no reason, I wake up feeling out of place and particularly far away, I read my Bible, try to quote Scripture, listen to worship music, journal my thoughts, and try to center myself in Him. It's often the only thing that gets me through those days.

I have such a long way to go in this life to become like Christ, to be a good daughter, friend, girlfriend, colleague, employee, human being. I lack patience, courage, confidence, humility, the ability to listen and not react, to rest and wait in and on my Lord. I have so far to go.

But I am trying. Each day that I talk myself through, I am trying.

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You

To know and follow hard after you
To grow as your disciple in your truth
This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing you, my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you

2 beautiful WHAM-Os

...in one quiet morning.

Thank you, Thomas Merton:

"Suffering, therefore must make sense to us not as a vague universal necessity, but as something demanded by our own personal destiny. When I see my trials not as the collision of my life with a blind machine called fate, but as the sacramental gift of Christ's love, given to me by God the Father along with my identity and my very name, then I can consecrate them and myself with them to God. For then I realize that my suffering is not my own. It is the Passion of Christ, stretching out its tendrils into my life in order to bear rich clusters of grapes, making my soul dizzy with the wine of Christ's love, and pouring that wine as strong as fire upon the whole world."

AND thank you Oswald Chambers:

"You can never set apart for God something that you desire for yourself to achieve your own satisfaction...You must sacrifice it, pouring it out to God - something that your common sense says is an absurd waste...Even love must be transformed by being poured out to the Lord."

Thinking about: life, love, family, friends, comforts, Heaven, true home, Jesus, and living life with an open hand.

let the wind fall wild across my path
even though we barely move, there's no turning back
there is a river; there is a road
place of holy riches untold
it's where i'm s'pposed to be
where i'm s'pposed to be
my heavenly

i know it never feels right
to let go of the safety we're used to holding so tight
but there is a lion underneath these skies
though love cries (though love cries)
though love cries, love will rise
my, my, my heavenly

so fly me higher, higher
hope fill me, keep me here
love lion, my, my...

so when i'm lonely or when i'm old
life is more behind me
all the stories have been told
i can fix my gaze up through the clouds
where i'm gonna be
where i'm gonna be
my heavenly

my, my heavenly
my heavenly

Lessons from Lazarus.

I received this email in my google inbox this morning, a refreshing daily does of truth I get from Hong Kong, and a reminder that I needed to hear, especially today.

Evan left yesterday, and along with him, a huge part of my heart.

I came home after the airport to an unkept room (it's been a busy summer...), a dusty floor, pictures peeling and falling off the wall due to heat and humidity, noticing sadly, that the state of my room felt like the state of my heart and soul right then.

Out of place. Tired. Weary. Spent. Lonely.

I have committed to teach another year. It seems daunting at times, a lot is expected, and though I have one year under my belt, it still feels like I have no idea what I am doing. But the Lord has a plan for this, for me, for this time of loneliness, for this time of learning about people, the world, and about me.

Here's to Lazarus and his lessons.


Lessons From Lazarus

That the Son of God may be glorified through it.

John 11:4 NKJV

Here are three more lessons from Lazarus:

1) God has a bigger and better plan in mind. Lazarus was four days dead when Jesus arrived. When the Lord waits, it's for two reasons: a) That He may be glorified. The Pharisees believed that your spirit left your corpse on the fourth day after you died. So if Jesus had intervened earlier they'd have said, 'He wasn't really dead.' Hence He told His disciples, "This sickness is… for the glory of God" (John 11:4 NKJV). It's in looking back that we clearly see God's hand at work b) That our faith may be strengthened. Jesus said, "I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, that you may believe" (John 11:15 NKJV). In life, crises come and go. Your next crisis will be different from your last one, but the thing that must remain strong is your faith.

2) God will ask you to remove the hindrances and deal with the stench. "Jesus said, 'Take away the stone.' Martha… said to Him, 'Lord, by this time there is a stench, for he has been dead four days'" (John 11:38-39 NKJV). Are you praying for an answer in one area, while God's telling you to take away the stone and deal with a 'stench' buried in another? Surrender, you can't win! When your heart's right with God your prayers will be answered.

3) God wants to make you a living testimony. Everywhere Lazarus went, without even speaking a word, his life declared that Jesus is Lord. And the same should be true of you. God has saved and raised you up to be a testimony to His grace and goodness.

Still Alive.

I don't know if I've lost all of my followers/readers/occasional checker-upers here (let me know if you're all still around) BUT...

I am still alive, still in China and I am back!

I will try to keep my blog updated with my newly acquired internet ninja skills (if you get my drift...) and will be posting pictures here as well as here ---> click it!

I have just finished an amazing and busy 2 months of summer: 1 week vacation to Beijing (including a 4 hour hike on the Great Wall!!!), 40 hours a week for 8 weeks of English summer school, 1 trip to the beach, 1 Chinese BBQ, 1 day trip to Chaozhou, 1 trip to the oldest Church in my city, one burnt leg from a motorbike tailpipe, lots of heat, sweat, Chinese food, and exploring Shantou with one amazing and incredible man. This amazing man left for the US early this morning, leaving my heart and being feeling beaten, worn, and empty.

1 more year of teaching English, my choice, and I believe, His will.

School begins Tuesday.